From Bad Luck to Cartoonish Misery in Three Easy Steps
In a recent interview, Nevada attorney general and Democrat gubernatorial candidate A-Ron Ford – taking a break from filing TDS-inspired lawsuits against Donald Trump – again trotted out his oldie-but-goody about the hardscrabble life he was forced to endure growing up.
Ford repeated his claim that his family was so poor – “How poor were you?!” – that his father fed him stale candy bars scavenged from dumpsters behind grocery stores.
He even claims he keeps a stale candy bar on his desk to remind him where he came from.
And if you believe that industrial-grade crappola, I've got oceanfront property in Tonopah I'd like to sell you.
I’m actually surprised he didn’t also claim to have worked with Kamala at McDonald’s when she came to Vegas stumping for him a couple weeks ago.
Indeed, the only thing Ford recycles more than his poverty stories is the truth – and both come out mangled.
But hold on. You ain't seen nuthin' yet.
The San Francisco Treat is losing ground to Governor Joe Lombardo – and two hands won't be enough to handle the whoppers he’s going to be belching up between now and November 2026.
In fact…
I was out behind my neighborhood Albertsons yesterday scrounging up dinner for my own kids – solidarity, A-Ron! – when I stumbled across a discarded “talking points” memo from the Ford campaign laying out his upcoming poverty claim upgrade schedule for the summer.
- “My family was so poor… we put mustard on mustard.”
- “My family was so poor… I thought a three-course meal was a saltine, half a saltine, and the crumbs.”
- “My family was so poor… we went to McDonald's to smell other people's fries.”
- “My family was so poor… we'd go to KFC to lick other people's fingers.”
- “My family was so poor… I didn't get a birthday cake until I was 21 – and it was a picture of a cake.”
- “My family was so poor… even the Democrats felt sorry for us. And they usually just take your vote and leave.”
- “My family was so poor… I've spent my whole career making sure nobody else has to be poor – except taxpayers.”
Oy, vey!
But have no fear. Team Lombardo isn’t gonna let him get away with this Paul Bunyon impersonation lying down.
While dumpster-diving this morning for tonight’s Muth Family Feast, I ALSO found a discarded “rapid-response” memo from a PAC supporting the governor.
Apparently, they've been preparing for A-Ron's tall-tales extravaganza. Here's what they've got locked and loaded:
- “Ford is so full of bull, the fly that landed on Mike Pence’s head has found a new home.”
- “Ford spreads so much fertilizer, farmers follow his campaign bus with buckets.”
- “Ford has been shoveling sheep-dip so long, he ought to register as a sanitation worker.”
- “Ford's stories improve dramatically with each telling – unfortunately, so does the distance from reality.”
- “Ford's relationship with the truth is a lot like his father's candy bars – always a little stale and nobody can verify where it came from.”
Buckle up, boys and girls. This is going to be a LONG campaign.
And if A-Ron's poverty stories keep growing at their current rate…
By October he'll be claiming he grew up in a refrigerator box…
In a flood zone…
And the bank foreclosed on it…
While his father was dumpster-diving for mustard!
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