Once upon a time, everything was great. America was thriving, people were free, and most importantly – our straws were made of good, honest plastic.
They were strong. Sturdy. Reliable. You could leave one in your drink for hours, and it would still perform like a champ. Life was good.
Then Joe Biden and the environmental wackos took over.
Almost overnight, plastic straws were outlawed, and in their place came the dreaded paper straws.
At first, people tried to be optimistic. “How bad could they be?” they wondered.
Oh, how naive we were.
It started slowly. A few collapsed straws here, a weird aftertaste there.
Then the horror set in. Your straw would turn to mush halfway through your iced coffee, forcing you to chug before it disintegrated.
Try drinking a milkshake? Forget it. The paper dissolved faster than a government budget surplus. The people suffered.
Mothers cried as their children struggled to drink their Capri Suns.
Restaurant customers sat in stunned silence, wondering how society had fallen so far.
Sales of boba tea plummeted—because have you ever tried to suck a tapioca pearl through a paper straw? Exactly.
It was a dark, dark time.
But then, salvation arrived. President Trump, seeing the crisis for what it was, took action.
With the stroke of his pen, he signed an executive order restoring plastic straws to their rightful place in America. The moment the news broke, the nation erupted in joy.
Parades formed in the streets. People cheered, holding their Chick-fil-A cups high, knowing their beverages were safe once more. Bald eagles soared overhead.
“God Bless America” played spontaneously in diners across the country. The long nightmare was over.
But my friend, the battle is never truly won. The left never stops scheming.
Today, it’s paper straws. Tomorrow, it’s your gas stove. Your burger. Your car. If we don’t stand strong, soon we’ll all be sipping bug smoothies through compostable tubes.
That’s why we need you. Join us in keeping America great by ensuring we never again suffer under the tyranny of soggy, useless straws.
Because in this country, we believe in freedom, liberty, and most importantly – plastic straws!
The opinions expressed by contributors are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Nevada News & Views.
